you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.