I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.