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I got chris browned last night
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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