I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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