Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
