My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher