ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
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I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up