The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.