doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
50% drunk capacity currently
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
