Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
