I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
