I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
