just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
