So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
