honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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