another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
