He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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