like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
is that a dick in a sweater?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
