I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
home. puking in laundry basket.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
