I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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