4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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