how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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