I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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