even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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