walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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