my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
