Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
