You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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