My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
