i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
