New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
