if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
