Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
