thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
