I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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