Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
