I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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