the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
