I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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