i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
