She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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