i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Someone shattered a urinal.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
