Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
