There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
