he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
