woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
