her vagine was all disorganized.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
