saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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