I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
