Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
