I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My feet surprised me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
