you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
