I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
