I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
