i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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