the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
