I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
