I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need a beard to bite.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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