Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
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Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize