Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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