how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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