glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
