I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
