Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
