Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
